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leXis
15 November 2011 @ 03:29 am
It's nearly 3 in the morning, and I can't sleep. I'm pretty sure nearly no one reads this anymore, but I just need to organise my thoughts a bit.

Last weekend was AFA, and, in the midst of preparing for the event, I came to a slow realisation: I'm just not interested anymore.

I don't watch anime anymore. I don't read manga anymore. I don't care to find out about new shows, I don't care to participate in fandom. Nothing excites me anymore in the world of anime, comics and games.

Maybe it is a side effect of growing older, considering the target audience for most of those things are for teenagers. Maybe it's because I'm tired of cliches, stock characters, predictable plot arcs, or overwhelming angst. Maybe it's because I never really liked anime art, especially not those that are overly stylised or overly simplified. Maybe it's because I just don't game. Whatever it is, I'm just no longer interested. It's over.

I remember when I was younger, when I first stumbled onto the internet into fandoms. I was firmly convinced that everyone into anime/manga/games were 18 or under. As the years passed, I realised this was not the case, but sometimes, it's still hard to imagine that that weirdo writing creepy Harry Potter/YGO/*insert young adult fandom here* slash is someone's wife, someone's mother. Someone's grandmother. Pass the bleach please. And they all act like, well, children. *shudders*

From what I hear, plenty of 'adult' fandoms are equally bad, starting fandom wars over favourite pairings or the specific hair colour of certain characters. And I want no part of it.

I'm quitting cosplay.

I suppose the reason why I can't sleep is because I'm trying to figure out what exactly has changed that I'm no longer interested in what has been my hobby for the past 10 years. I wonder if it's the sense of disconnectedness that has been growing and growing?

Near the beginning, it seemed to me, a wide-eyed child back then, that everyone seemed to know everyone else. Cosplay was fun. Skits were for fun, videos were for fun, and karaoke was for fun. We got together for events in our cobbled-together costumes, and that was about it.

Then it grew. While I was away in China, it grew. When I returned, it was still growing. Contact lenses, and wigs were becoming more widespread, becoming part of minimum expectations. Makeup. And I had fun in those two years, those JC years, in teams, enjoying the events still.

Then it grew more, to the point where, when I looked around, I could barely spot a familiar face or costume. Performances became serious business. Karaoke became serious business. Competitions became serious business. I was beginning to feel the disconnection, but I had the Hetalia team keeping me more or less in the circle.

I think my love died the moment the LEDs came onto the stage, and I've just been spending the rest of my time bouyed up by the passions of the few people around me.

In the earliest days, it was just about dressing up and having fun. I learned to sew because of cosplay, and it was just the best feeling, wearing something I made and portrying the character. Nowadays, all I can think about is how costume parts are not accurate enough, not refined enough, not professionally made. My makeup has also been growing thicker and thicker, because the expectation is there. Cosplay events used to be where I felt like I fitted in. Now it feels like I don't belong there at all.

I quit.

There are a last few costumes, a last few characters, a last few commitments, but I'm done. It's over. But even as I say that, it's really more of a mindset change than a true statement of action. I should stop caring about competitions. I should stop caring about events. I should stop caring about the fact that I know nothing about the cosplay scene, I should stop caring that I don't know big name fans, I don't know cosplay idols, I don't fandom cosplay. I should stop caring that I'm just not fitting in with everyone else I know who is in cosplay. I should stop caring because no one ever knew that I actually cared about these things anyway, and I really don't want to.

I don't do idols. I don't collect coscards. I'm not interested in concerts. I don't collect merchandise. I'm not interested in most all of the stuff coming out of Japan anymore. I don't game. I just... I just...

It's past 3 now, I've been staring at this post for around 3/4 of an hour. I've been writing this post for the past 3/4 of an hour. I just hope I can overcome some of these barriers in my mind.

The last few plans I have remaining:
Hellcat
Kirishima/Haruna
Bismarck (?)

The last few characters that I don't think I will be giving up:
Russia

The last few fandoms that I will still be happy to cosplay in:
Hetalia
Midnight Navy
Tiger and Bunny (?)
 
 
leXis
01 November 2011 @ 04:39 pm
I started writing on livejournal because there were people I was communicating with were all on LJ. Now that people have pretty much migrated to facebook and tumbler and twitter and whatever you youngsters use these days. IDK if I'm ever posting here again.
 
 
leXis
03 May 2011 @ 09:50 pm
Heyyy, Luts is having a discount event. Anyone interested in a group order? 8D
 
 
leXis
01 April 2011 @ 04:12 pm
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Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
 
 
leXis
31 October 2010 @ 03:02 am
Dear HR2002 project team,

FUCK YOU ALL AND YOUR INABILITY TO DO IN TEXT CITATIONS. FUCK YOU ALL FOR WANTING TO WRITE THE ESSAY LIKE SOME FUCKING PHOTOCOPIER, AND FUCK YOU ALL FOR EDITING STUFF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND INTO SOMETHING IS IS BLATANTLY WRONG.
 
 
 
leXis
30 October 2010 @ 04:16 am
Photobucket

Photobucket

It was inevitable. I only began to realise it after testing out 6 different wigs and despairing. Giving up, I threw the pink wig on him. He lit up. Seemed to cheer up. Bright-eyed, he stared up at me, reminding me of the glasses that came in just today. Pink glasses. Pink glasses that weren't even my first choice. Due to some inventory error, my first choice turned out to be out of stock, so I had to choose the pink ones. Only now do I realise, it was fate. He'd wanted those glasses, wanted them pink, wanted his pink hair, and the world had bent to fit that will. And who am I to deny him?

--------------

A little colour-matching note to myself:
Use orange to tone lips.
Tags: ,
 
 
Current Mood: amusedamused
 
 
leXis
04 October 2010 @ 01:58 am
Mother-dear thinks I should sell off all of my dolls. And she wonders why I keep them from her.

Really now. I've been in that hobby for five years now, and she really thinks that I would just suddenly drop out of it? *shakes head* I suppose doing doll shoots during my Europe trip would be out of the question too. *sigh* That means I have to find other ways of getting my kicks. Ah, I totally need to make a ton of winter-worthy costumes for myself...

Now, I would tend to describe my family as tolerant. I would go as far as to say that many, many people would love to be in my position, considering what I can get away with. But tolerance is only superficial, as their periodic outbursts against my hobbies would tend to suggest.

Sometimes, I feel truly depressed about this. It's acceptable to have music as a hobby, but not cosplay, not dolls. Most of the time, I can ignore it, but sometimes, sometimes, it just comes down and beats me over the head with it.

Mah... What can I do? It's against my nature to act out. It's against my principles to act out. Cutting, threatening suicide, running away from home, taking up smoking, taking up drugs... how should I say? I was too well raised to consider trivial nonsense like that? Sometimes, I wish I wasn't. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to act out without pesky principles holding me back? Then I can scare them all a bit, ne?

But leXis is strong, leXis has to be strong, because leXis is not a hypocrite, and leXis will live true to what leXis believes in. After all, in another seven months or so, all this school stuff will be behind me, and all my time will become free time. All I need to do is to secure myself a job and I'm set. And then I can get as many dolls as I like.

Which isn't very many, I'm sure, considering that I've figured out that I ONLY want to collect limited edition dolls. Or headless bodies. Mother-dear finds it troubling that I like to keep my dolls mostly naked. But I am a girl, after all, and I have such lovely male bodies at home. I'd personally find it more disturbing if I owned only girls.

Headless bodies. Because there are much fewer bodies than heads, it helps narrow my wishlist by a lot. \o/ And I personally feel that a lot of thought goes into sculpting quite a few of the bodies on my wishlist, far more than any of the heads (maybe). Or maybe I just find it hard to connect with human faces. *shrug*

To entertain myself a little, here is my current doll-related wishlist:

Bodies:
Spiritdoll Proud Male body (Tan)
Dream of Doll DOI body (Tan)
Iplehouse SID Male body (Lt. Tan)
Ringdoll Teen Male body
Domuya Flexi-perennial Male body (NS/Tan)
Resinsoul female body (Sky Blue) <-- because she'd make an awesome Jenova, of course.

Full dolls:
Volks School A on SD13/SDGR body (Snowskin)
Iplehouse SID Yur (Realskin/Lt. Tan)

Heads:
Luts Breakaway 2005 Open-eyed head (NS)

Eyes:
Custom 18mm/14mm cat-eyes for Fate
Dollshe urethane eyes for Camui

Clothes:
Dollheart outfits for Fate. My 'girl' is always easiest to spoil.
 
 
Current Mood: blankSEARCHING FOR NIRVANA
 
 
leXis
01 October 2010 @ 12:56 am
I DON'T WANT TO DO GROUP WORK I DON'T WANT TO DO GROUP WORK I DON'T WANT TO DO GROUP WORK I DON'T WANT TO DO GROUP WORK I HATE PROJECTS I HATE PROJECT I HATE PROJECTS I HATE PROJECTS I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT I DON'T WANT TO MEET PEOPLE I DON'T WANT TO MEET PEOPLE I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO
 
 
leXis
01 October 2010 @ 12:50 am
Recently, it was brought to my attention again that I strongly dislike physical contact. More accurately, I don't like people or parts thereof touching my bare skin. I don't like people holding my hands, I don't like brushing up accidentally against someone's bared arm on the bus when I'm wearing short-sleeved/sleeveless tops, I don't like people accidentally brushing against my hands when holding onto mrt poles, I don't like it when people's hair touch me, and when these incidents do occur, I strongly feel the need to rub at the affected spot until I can't feel it anymore.

Even thinking about it makes me wring my hands and claw at my skin.

It makes me wonder if I can ever have kids. :\

Gah, I shouldn't have even thought about it, because my skin is totally tingling. *clawclaw*

Up to now, ever so often, I still feel like retreating from the real world forever so that I don't have to deal with all this interpersonal interaction thing... it's so depressing.
 
 
leXis
24 August 2010 @ 12:55 am
I have a ridiculous craving for pasta right now. PASTA. In cream sauce. With bacon. And chilli.

...lunch tomorrow, I guess. :\

I'm also craving for some borderline guro, which is, I guess, the easier of my cravings to satisfy. *sigh*